Boo-urns!

So I was told today by the music secretary person dealy that I couldn't take voice. Dean is limiting all who can take voice to strictly music majors. Well that sucks. It's still a small possibility as there are a few people in the department who don't agree with it. I figured I might as well sign up for a class as a back-up. I also got into the English class I wanted! Huzzah! So like stated before, my fall is going to be very tough, but my winter will be a breeze! My new timetable (only subject to the vocal class I want into, in which case I'll drop Astro):

Fall:

Monday
English 1-2:30
Anthropology 5:30-7
Astronomy 7-10

Wednesday
Social Work 11:30-1
English 1-2:30
Philosophy 2:30-4
Antropology 5:30-7
Psychology 7-10

Friday
Opera Studio 9-11
Social Work 11:30-1
Philosophy 2:30-4

Winter

Wednesday
Social Work 11:30-1
Psychology 7-10

Friday
Opera Studio 9-11
Social Work 11:30-1

Gone.

So my mom flipped out yesterday. I know she flipped because she didn't hide it in front of my friends like she does when she usually gets mad. She quite literally picked fights with everyone yesterday, whether or not she had beef with them. She first got mad at my brother because he had to borrow some money to put gas in the car.

My brother went to college, the media and broadcasting course and was very lucky to get a job as soon as he graduated, with Dougall Media. The only problem is that he only works about 15-20 hours a week. There's not a lot of room for full-time employment with them and they're really the only place to hire him for what he went to school for. My mom was pissed that he needed to borrow money. He always pays it back, so why not help out?

It's unfortunate.

Then my mom got mad at me. I was supposed to have my room cleaned before I left the house and it had to be Jo-Approved. I got turned down once and had to do it again. Lisa and Sylvie came to spring me from my cell. The room was spotless in 30 mins. I appreciated the help even if I didn't ask for help. My friends just simply care, right? Wrong! Jo was mad at me for inviting them over to clean for me. She just got angrier when I tried telling her that I didn't ask them to come over to clean. If I'd asked them to come over, I would've worn clothes when they got here. I fought with my mom because I had to drive Jason to work. She said I wasn't allowed to leave even if I had my room cleaned because I didn't do it.

Retarded.

And last night, Jo was picking fights with Jim. No idea what about. I just heard yelling.

Sad.

My mom wakes me up at 10:30am and tells me that once the AC guy leaves, she wants to talk to all three of us. So now I think the AC guy is gone. I'm waiting for her to request our presense upstairs. Let's see what she wants ... Whatever it is, it can't be good. I'm going to stop writing for now and continue writing when I come back downstairs.

______________________________

My mom packed her bags and left. My brother was crying. I was crying. She told us she's finding her own place to live. So much for unconditional love.

Untitled Post

July 5th came and I registered for my classes! I have somehow avoided going to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays ... and maybe even Mondays in the winter. Basically, less days, but longer days. I'd much rather have longer days to be honest. Then again, this is subject to one small change. All the english classes that I can take while avoiding conflict are full. I'm currently on the waitlist for 3 of them. I added all three of the english classes to the schedule. Composition will be my first choice if I can get it. What does my schooling look like?

Fall:

Monday
(English*Composition 1-2:30)
Anthropology 5:30-7

Wednesday
Social Work 11:30-1
(English*Composition 1-2:30)
Philosophy 2:30-4
Antropology 5:30-7
Psychology 7-10

Friday
Opera Studio 9-11
Social Work 11:30-1
Philosophy 2:30-4

Winter

Monday
(English*Rhetoric WB 4-5:30)
(English*Rhetoric WA 5:30-7)

Wednesday
Social Work 11:30-1
(English*Rhetoric WB 4-5:30)
(English*Rhetoric WA 5:30-7)
Psychology 7-10

Friday
Opera Studio 9-11
Social Work 11:30-1

Trucking along!

So I blog today on account of the fact that my university is coming along. I am proud of my taking initiative to go somewhere in life. I have applied for university, was approved to take all three departments I had applied for, accepted my HBA:PSYCH by the $100 deposit, applied for a bursary and just today applied for osap.

There was a bit of a mix-up with my osap account. When I tried to make a new account, it said I already had an account, when I entered the info to redeem my OAN, it said I had the wrong information. In this instance, the 'Old Lisa' would have said 'fuck it,' and I would have been screwed over finacially for my first year of university. Instead, I called the financial aid office, told them my problem and visited them today with the proper ID to get my OAN and password.

When I got home, I went straight to the computer to use my log in info and apply for osap. It was a success. I just need to get some writing into the office, which is being mailed to me within two weeks, or I can print of the papers to sign and give to financial aid. I am probably going to print them off to get the process done a little quicker. Assuming that all of the information I provided is accurate, which I know it is, I should be receiving 13k for my first year. Add on my college fund of about 5k and the bursary I will hopefully be getting of 1k, that puts me at 19k for my first year. I can buy the new desktop computer I wanted, buy the laptop I need, pay off my credit card, buy my school books, move out and of course, pay for my schooling. Life is looking pretty damn good right now.

I have also been spending less time on the computer and more time in the 'real world.' I had a few friends over on Friday. We had a fire and did a little drinking. It was wonderful. I have also been quarteting again. Although it's not like the quarteting I remember, it's hopefully going to turn out right.

Sarah and I did a lead-bass duet for Irene after our Sunday Night Choir concert the Sunday before last and Irene was blown away. Since then we picked up Maddie and Emily to complete the young girl quartet. I'm not so happy about singing lead, nor am I completely comfortable with it yet, but trying to argue to sing baritone is just not working in my favour. I am a natural baritone singing lead. It feels weird, but it sounds great. We can compete and medal with this sound.

I'll be sure to update the blog once I find out the status of my bursary and osap application as soon as I find out. I really should blog more. Whether anyone reads this or not, it's very theraputic.

A rose by any other name is, in fact, a rooster!

Okay, so perhaps my 'next post' wasn't as soon as I'd have liked, but I am going to change that right now. Again, same reasons as I have stated before, I haven't posted since nothing too crazy has happened. Let's see if I can recall with my terrible goldfish memory things that have happened since my last entry.

-Went to the Lakehead orientation. Meh. Me and my dad were pretty bored. At least he got coffee and I got juice.
-I've been going to YES emplyment to attempt to find a job. Sarah's cousin is my worker. Sarah, your relatives have completely infiltrated the place.
-Went on a day trip to Duluth. Would have been great if I hadn't babysat the night before until 4:30am.
-Visited Marie's new apartment. Marie, who's 5'2 was taller than me when she stood a few meters closer to the door. I am 5'7. Her apartment is not quite straight, but as she brilliantly pointed out, neither is she.
-I have watched about 18 hours of True Blood with Sylvie. God, that show is hot. Only 6 hours more!
-I have run out of cigarettes. Just today actually. This kinda blows.
-Sarah and I wanted to hang out and couldn't figure out what to do. We ended up visiting Wal-Mart and buying the game of Life. Sarah beat me both times ... I swear she was jerking the board off when I wasn't looking.
-Gayph's birthday. Was good to see faces I don't normally see. Adeeb is shorter than me .... and born in November.

Okay ... that's it for my list. I'm so interesting it hurts. Anyway, I'm trying to be responsible about some things. Trying to find a job, keep making appointments with my councillor and keeping updated on everything that's going on for university.

OH YEAH! Something else happened that was weird. I went to Sunday Nite Choir for the first time in months. And I show up at the same time as this new face. She was really nice and she asked me a shit load of questions about myself. We got on to the topic of university and I let slip that my home life at the present isn't a good place for me to attend university. She then preoceeded to ask me if I would like to live with her. I found out that Jeanie is the new minister for Knox United Church. The minister asked if I would like to live with her. And she threw in a bunch of things like: I wouldn't need to bring a bed because there's already a really nice one in the spare bedroom, there's also a computer desk there, she has a laptop she doesn't use much that she would give me for school, I wouldn't have to pay room and board and that anything she has I'm welcome to. Fancy offer, right? I would totally take it if I led a less sinful life, but as it stands now, she'd spend her life with me living there trying to convert me and restricting my sinful happiness.

Okay. That's all ... I think. Okay. This time I REALLY hope that it doesn't take months to respond. Come on guys. Give me somethign to write about. I dare you!

Reasons

Why am I not posting more often? I'll tell you. Because I'm not doing anything. Unless you count Secondlife. If you count that, then I'm doing a lot. But I don't count it at all. So I'm doing simply nothing.

There's nothing in my immediate future to look forward to. Nor is there anything exciting in my immediate past that has been worthy of writing about. I don't feel depressed, nor do I feel too happy. I am sort of content.

Even now, it's hard to think of words to write because ... what do I write about? I am drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette. I can't go anywhere too far from my house. Mom took the van out. Brother took the car out. Hell, even my dad took the motorcylce out.

So that's what I'm going to write for now. And hopefully my next entry will be a lot sooner and will be filled with a lot of excitement!

We All Live in a Yellow Submarine

I took my road test today. I called it: Road Test take 2. So I'm sitting there waiting. Then the same asshole who failed me comes up to me and says that he'll meet me out back. I was so depressed. So ten minutes later, he comes out back and does the safety check. He gets in the car, gives me the stink eye and verifies my address ... which was completely wrong. Wrong address, wrong test, wrong name. He grabbed someone else's papers. So he leaves. Ten minutes tick by and there's another knock on my window. But it's not the asshole who failed me! It's some elderly man telling me he's going to do my test instead. Apparently Mr Asshole had another test for someone so he passed me off. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! Needless to say, this old, kind caring man passed me. I like him so much better. So now I technically have my full license. I just need to go renew it and give them more money. HELL YES!

I'm feeling good. I'm all smiles. I'm happy to the point where I'm waiting for my world to crash. I also have cigarettes! And I went to Grand Marais two days ago and ate Sven and Ole's pizza. And Ray, Lisa and Sylvie were with me. And we sang music, and did fun things!

Oh yeah. And I gave Lakehead the deposit for school in the fall. So I'm down for school! Huzzah! And I want to move out. And I think this all might actually work out. Oh yeah, my phone's getting cut off for non-payment. I don't even care, I'm too happy XD

*waits*

Gah! Waiting for mail sucks balls! I wanna register to lakehead already! I wanna sign up for classes and start getting really excited. Why hasn't the mail come for me!?

Anyway. I helped Sylvie move today. She didn't have a lot of stuff and it only took two van fulls to get it all to her aunt's place, however, I was the 'muscles' of the group and therefore did most of the heavy lifting by myself. My arms grew at least seven times their previous size. That's big. Yeah, my arms hurt. I can't wait until I wake up tomorrow.

Tomorrow I need to clean the bathroom. Booooo! Tomorrow I also need to watch New Moon. Actually .... scratch that. I literally just put it on. Perhaps I'll watch it tonight. Okay, I just turned it off. I can't write listening to stuff.

So the psychologist thing! I have severe clinical depression. Meaning that I'm not constantly depressed, but I go through episodes that are very bad. And I have severe anxiety. Basically, I worry, dwell and try to avoid things as much as I can. As for those terrible thoughts I was having, he gave me a technical term for it. It's called Existential nihilism. Definition = Existential nihilism is the belief that life has no intrinsic meaning or value. It can stem from scientific analysis showing that only the physical laws contributed to our existence. With respect to the universe, a single human or even the entire human species is insignificant, without purpose and is not likely to change in the totality of existence. Quite simply, nihilists in this respect believe that the only purpose in life is to live it.I am supposed to get some individual councelling soon. I'm looking forward to that. On the topic for pills, my councillor and I will decide what's best for me and what I want to do.

Though with all of the help that I'm now getting it, I'm not feeling so bad anymore. Actually, not bad at all. I have been smiling and getting out more and not been dwelling on the meaning of life.
maybe it's because music is nice. Let me explain that because it sounds funny. I'm recently added two new songs to my playlist. I call them 'happy' songs. I don't even know if the lyrics are happy ... I think one of the songs would be quite depressing if not for the kickass banjo in it. Anyway, I want to share my happy songs with whomever could be reading this.

Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man
Owlcity - Fireflies

Huzzah!

So the big news which the blog hasn't heard yet. I've been accepted to Lakehead University! I've been admitted to all of the programs I applied to! YAY! So in September, I will be joining the learned people! I am getting bachelor of arts, majoring in psychology. That is so exciting. It's a positive thought, even when I feel a little depressed.

My parents are finally supportive. I think they were doubting my acceptance ...

On top of that, I'm feeling better. No more fever, sneezing, congestion and gross stuff. I have have a bit of a cough now, and still some small difficulties with breathing.

I also say the psychologist the other day. Even though it was the beginning of my sickness, I didn't think blowing him off a second time would be good for either of us. I talked to him. He's nice, and apparently a teacher at Lakehead. He asked me all the usual questions, and I went through my life with him. I then filled out some questionaires. Like seriously, they sucked. There were hundreds of questions and before I got halfway through, they started repeating questions, just midly paraphrasing them. Annoying. They could cut that down by a good couple hundred questions if they didn't repeat like mad.

I'm to return to him tomorrow to go over the results of the questionaire. Let's see how that goes. I have a feeling pills are in my immediate future. But one thing he said that comforted me; I asked if there were people able to live comfortably with the same things that I was experiencing, depression, anxiety, disasociation. He said there were people living with it who were comfortable, successful and happy. This gives me a little glimmer of hope that perhaps my mental and emotional problems could meet their end!

Angry face >:|

I'm sick. Do I have a little cough and cold? No. Do a have a bout of the flu? No. I am pretty damn sure I have pneumonia again ...

Why is it that I NEVER get sick and then when I do, my body has to go all out since it missed all of the other sicknesses that have gone around since last I was sick? I woke up at least 25 times last night coughing up my my lung. My head hurts because of the coughing pressure and I'm tired and all painy.

This sucks. I've already gone through a bag and a half of Ricola's throat drops since yesterday at 11am. It's only quarter to 8 now. So I've been sick for less than 24 hours and I have a feeling I'm going to be spending lots on Ricola's :(

Posting after hiatus

So I have posted for a little while, but some new things have entered my life, but before I go on about that, I'd like to thank Steph and Lisa for commenting on my blogs. It's really nice to read the responses.

Okay, so since my brother got a playstation 3, he gave me his playstation 2 which I have been playing more than I care to admit. I tried playing Grand Theft Auto, but I keep dying. Like seriously! It's the first mission of the game and I can't do it without dying. But the guys in the car have guns and I only have a bike. And they shoot me. I can't even get off the bike because then my mission gets put on hold. Annoying.

And, of course, can't have the playstation hooked up without playing some guitar hero. I have to come realize that I must have built up some skill last time I played it, because I'm not as good anymore. Mind, I haven't played it in about a year, but still.

Lastly, and this is the part I'm truly ashamed of. I've been playing Final Fantasy X ..... again. This is, what? The 10th time? And I'm not just going through the game either, I'm playing a lot of blitzball, a sidegame. I'm prolonging the experience.

Okay, but enough talk about videogames ... I'm getting all excited. Last night I finished an eight page essay about Death in three pieces of Poe's literature. comparing how the different circumstances trigger emotional responses by the reader.

It wasn't my essay. I was desperately thinking how I could try to make some money, so when Jayden asked me to write her essay for her, I was only too willing. She attends the university of Florida, third year business student. I knew I could pull it off. When the teacher marked her (my) rough copy, she had little negative comments. She thought the writing skill was advanced, as well as thought process. YAY! I am so smart! S.M.R.T.! So now I have $100US being transferred from my paypal to my back account. Well it's something, right?

I believe I'm going to play videogames now. *sigh*

And then there was light

I am looking a little hopeful today. It's crazy how a few changes in life can make such a difference.

First thing, I have received better information from the university. What used to say 'pending' now says 'missing information.' Well all that means was that they couldn't find my transcript and I have to give it to them. Well at least I know they got the application and stuff and that it's being considered.

Second, I've realized some of the things that make me depressed or unhappy. I think my constant headaches are caused by stress! Something I'd never thought before. I know that sun, heat, squinting and hits to the head gave me headaches, but now I can add stress to the list. Things I can avoid to get rid of headaches!

Third is a comforting word from my brother. There are three driving instructors at the licencing place. Two are female, one is male. And I vaguely remember now, and Jason remembers clearly: Kathy, amethyst driving instructor and great lady had warned us about the man. According to her, he fails 86% of everyone he rides with. My brother had him as well and my brother had failed the first time. He said that this guy doesn't care about road conditions or what have you. He merely cares about signs and rules. And he doesn't hesitate to fail people - obviously.

Fourth, I didn't lose that $75 I paid for another test. Mom put $100 on my VISA yesterday. It's nice that she cares - even if it's always showing it in a material sense.

And lastly, some insight to my depression. I feel most depressed when I'm tired/bored and/or when it's late at night. The boredom may stem from the night. I find myself so bored at night and doing weird things, like organizing my inventory on secondlife. I often sit and think 'what should I do now?' This is a thought that enters smy mind all the time. When I run out of things to do, I get depressed. I start looking for stupid pointless things to do that doesn't improve my mood.

Just a couple small things, but I feel better today. Though I'm seriously hungry, I'm going shopping instead with Jo. I got a Penningtons giftcard for christmas. Better go use it.

Angry and Depressed

I'm so angry right now that I'm seeing red. This has been so traumatic.

I had my road test today. I did really well .... I thought. I kept a close eye on my speed at all times, paid close attention to road signs, made sure I looked in the mirrors constantly and whenever I changed lanes or turn or anything, I shoulder checked like it was my job. But apparently it's not good enough. I failed. I fucking failed!

How did I fail? Well I went too slowly on the back streets ... the ones where I was supposed to go 50, but they were so full of deep potholes, I went 40. We were bouncing around enough is it was and even at 40, I could still feel the front and back of the car scratching against the road on almost every single pothole. Forgive me for wanting to keep my car in one piece.

And then I got dinged again, turning onto Arthur st off of Edward. Arthur had the right of way and it wasn't safe to turn. They got a yellow light and started slowing, so I turned right. The instructor told me that once I had turned, Edward st had a left turn only light. Okay, who cares ... I turned on yellow. Not according to him though. He said turning on yellow is just as bad as turning on the advance. Since fucking when!? Because of these two things: Driving slower over potholes and turning right BEFORE we had an advance green, he failed me.

Since when are you allowed to make up road rules? I knew from the moment I saw him that he wasn't a nice guy. He gave me the stink eye right away. He was impolite and honestly, held himself as if he were Jesus.

My original license had already expired and I was told that this would be my one and only attempt at getting my G license if I failed. So I waited 50 minutes in line to speak with the receptionist. I begged her to extend my license. And lucky she was nice. I booked another test. $75 off of my VISA, I'm now over my limit and I will start receiving phone calls, emails and letters very soon. On top of that, it hurts my already hurting credit score.

On the way home, I was very angry. And for anyone who hasn't seen me REALLY angry, I'll let you know what happens: I cry. For some reason, my tear ducts are attached to more feelings than I'd like and anger is one of them. I was able to hold it in until I got home. Once my dad asked how I did, I burst into tears. Of course, my mom came home about 5 minutes after. Both just watched me cry and attempted words of comfort. That was the most ridiculous thing I've ever done. This isn't the first time I'd heard of them failing people and apparently they do it a lot. But I'm a better driver than everyone else.

This was so stupid and all I want to do is cry.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

A few people have been asking for an update of the speeding ticket situation. I talked to my brother that night and he said that my best bet was to tell my folks. Though my goal was to get around this stupid fine without having them any the wiser, I knew that at the point where I was, I had little option. I told Jo the situation. It was silent fury all the way. She was mostly angry that I didn't tell her right away, but if I'd had my way, she wouldn't have known at all. But it's all cleared up now. Mom left her visa for me to pay it today. One less thing I have to worry about.

I've been walking/running/jogging quite a bit. Right now I can hardly stand because my legs hurt and I have blisters. I walked to Sears with Lindsay today to watch Lisa in the fashion show. She was by far the prettiest girl there and I promise that I'm not being biased. And on top of that, Lisa looks good in skinny jeans. Something I've never said before to anyone.

And just so the blog knows, I've yet to be accepted to university though I still check it like a mad woman.

I also have my road test coming up on Monday. Perhaps I'll finally get my G license and be able to drive in the states ... legally.

Something else that sucks. Maybe it's from all of the physical activity that's been thrust upon me, but I was so tired today. I turned my computer off at midnight, read some and then went to bed. Only problem was that I rolled around until 2am when I finally decided 'fuck it!' and got up. For some reason, sleep doesn't like me as much as I adore sleeping. Watch me finally go to bed at 5am - not my goal.

On another, unhappy note, I'm still not sure about my depression. It creeps up on me when I least expect and drags my mood right down. I have no idea what could be causing it, but I find that the later it is in the night, the more depressed I feel. I am looking forward to seeing the psychologist on March 4th for some insight to my brain. I know it's all screwed up in there. I can't ponder too deeply or think about things too much because then I start getting anxious, and the thoughts I get anxious about are sad thoughts. When I get anxious about sad thoughts, they linger in my brain. And, of course, unhappy lingering thoughts can only lead to be being depressed. How do I fix it?

I am stuck in a state of pure confusion.

Do not pass go, directly to jail.

I feel fat. What a great opener that is for this entry. Well, it's true. I just ate and I can feel my stomach expanding. Spoon of stuffing, a slab of green beans and a turkey sausage. Ew. The thought of it right now is making me nauseous. I need to work out or something, but instead, I'll write.

I watched the biggest loser finale season four. It was down to Isabeau, Hollie, Julie and Bill. I was routing for Isabeau. She seemed like a really good person. She went on the scale first. She set a high bar to beat. Then Hollie jumped on the scale and beat Isabeau. Bleh! Then Julie went on and beat Hollie. At this point, my kicking leg was ready to be fired. But luckily, Bill beat out Julie and was season four's biggest loser. He was my second favourite, so I'm okay with that.

Currently watching the last season I have on my computer - season five. I've already decided that I want Dan to win. He's a young guy .... and a very large guy. He could change his life in this game.

So for anyone who's wondering about the title of the blog, I will explain. I already have some butterflies thinking about it. So a couple weeks ago, while driving on River St, I got pulled over for speeding. I was driving 50 in the 40 zone, and 60 in the 50 zone. The police officer took little pity in writing me a ticket. I've had this ticket over my head and I need to pay it in the next day or two. $110 .... I currently have $20 to my name. I didn't tell my family. That would just piss them off and I wouldn't be allowed to drive their vehicles ever again. So I've been trying to think of ways to get this money. At this point, I'm totally screwed and it's most likely that I'll have my license revoked and facing a larger fine. If this goes unpaid too long, I think they actually have the authority to bring me to court.

I did find a way to make some money. I have a friend living in Florida that is on secondlife with me. She currently attends the university of Florida. Third or fourth year business. She has told me that if I write some essays for her, she'd hand some money over. However, she has paid me through paypal and to transfer funds from paypal to my bank account, we're looking at up to a month to take place. Balls.

So I need money. I'm desperate to the point where I'm weighing the pros and cons of prostitution and drug smuggling. This seriously sucks a lot.

Anyone who can think of better ways to get money in the next two days let me know. If I end up going to jail, I want you all to know that I love you :|

Where's the jugular vein?

Today started a little differently. I woke up early. By early, I mean 12:30pm. That's pretty good for me these past few days.

Once awake, I started the normal routine, checking hotmail, checking facebook and checking to see if I've been accepted to University yet. Nothing new. I did find out that a few people actually read my blog. Thanks to those two who've decided to 'follow' me. I guess I feel good about that.

I continued the norm, by watching some of the biggest loser. Most of my favourite people from season 4 have been voted off. There are only a few more people I like on that show that I would actually want to win. If Julie wins, I'm going to kick something.

After the norm went down, Lisa came over and we enjoyed some Castle age, last knights and age of empires. All war type games. Does that make us violent? Afterwards, we found joy in something that was really weird and I bet a little unheard of. I was showing her this crazy bright flashlight I got for Xmas. The light was so powerful that we could put it on our skin and it would light up our insides. We went a really long time looking each other's bodies over, tracing veins. I know that sounds weird, but it was done in the least sexually lesbian way possible.

It was interesting to see the veins in our hands, heads, arms, backs, knees, legs and feet. Lisa's veins were really small and constricting, while mine were larger and more easy to see. We spent quite a time looking for each other's jugular veins. I think we found them, but I'm still not to sure. I didn't know veins could be fun.

After knowing her for *counts* 14 years, some times we don't do things that are crazy exciting. I think we both are always looking for new things to do. And by all means, this was new.

I'm fairly proud of myself for writing again in this blog. I think it could be therapeutic or something. I think I could learn more about myself and perhaps give someone the chance to learn more about me.

What do I have on the agenda for tomorrow? I'm going to try and see both Em and Edward.

And for anyone who hasn't seen biggest loser season 3 or the land before time, watch them. They're both worth a good cry. Poor Littlefoot. His mother is dead. And for some reason we keep getting reminded of that. So cruel.

The first entry

Yes, the first entry, and who knows! ... Maybe the last. I've made a blog once before. It was on myspace and I updated it about once every few months. I only had my myspace account for a year, so I had about 5 entries.

I love writing, but what would I write about? Who would want to read this anyway? I'll send this to some friends hoping they'll give a damn. Maybe they will.

So what do you write about when you have a blog? Feelings? Goals? What you did that day? Well I'll try and post what I can.

Today I woke up at 2:30pm. I probably woke up at about 9am originally, turned over and went back to bed, woke at 10am, rolled over to sleep some more ... and you get the point. I did this until 2:30pm. Is it sad that I'd much rather sleep than utilize my day? It only sets me up for disaster, which is most definitely why I'm awake writing this at 4:10am.

I didn't do much today to be honest. I watched several episodes of the biggest loser season 4, did a pretty shitty workout myself and then bathed. That is what I've accomplished today.

On a lighter note, I've applied for University and I'm checking my application like a fiend waiting for it to change from 'pending' to 'accepted.' I ended up applying for three programs, just in case, for some reason, by the time September rolls around, I no longer feel like becoming a psychologist in the future. I applied for my bachelor of arts psych major, bachelor of music, and bachelor of social work. I really need to start doing something with my pitiful life soon.

Only recently did I relapse into a deep depression. It's still something that's clouding my mind. It was the most scared I've ever felt in my life. It's hard to explain. It was like I was seeing the world through eyes that weren't mine. I would be in familiar places that would seem foreign, I would sometimes feel as though I weren't in control of my body or my mind and I had a lot of dark thoughts about life, existance, death and all of those fun things. I just want to see a doctor soon so he can give me a bunch of pills and I can be on my merry way. Perhaps this time I'll stay on the pills.

Well ... I've written quite a bit and truthfully, I have no idea who I'm writing to or if I'm just writing to Mr Computer Screen and Mrs Cyberspace. So I suppose I'll stop now. I'm going to really try and get my thought out in this thing, so if someone is reading and is finding what I have to say somewhat enjoyable, I invite you to check back to see if I write anything new.