I am looking a little hopeful today. It's crazy how a few changes in life can make such a difference.
First thing, I have received better information from the university. What used to say 'pending' now says 'missing information.' Well all that means was that they couldn't find my transcript and I have to give it to them. Well at least I know they got the application and stuff and that it's being considered.
Second, I've realized some of the things that make me depressed or unhappy. I think my constant headaches are caused by stress! Something I'd never thought before. I know that sun, heat, squinting and hits to the head gave me headaches, but now I can add stress to the list. Things I can avoid to get rid of headaches!
Third is a comforting word from my brother. There are three driving instructors at the licencing place. Two are female, one is male. And I vaguely remember now, and Jason remembers clearly: Kathy, amethyst driving instructor and great lady had warned us about the man. According to her, he fails 86% of everyone he rides with. My brother had him as well and my brother had failed the first time. He said that this guy doesn't care about road conditions or what have you. He merely cares about signs and rules. And he doesn't hesitate to fail people - obviously.
Fourth, I didn't lose that $75 I paid for another test. Mom put $100 on my VISA yesterday. It's nice that she cares - even if it's always showing it in a material sense.
And lastly, some insight to my depression. I feel most depressed when I'm tired/bored and/or when it's late at night. The boredom may stem from the night. I find myself so bored at night and doing weird things, like organizing my inventory on secondlife. I often sit and think 'what should I do now?' This is a thought that enters smy mind all the time. When I run out of things to do, I get depressed. I start looking for stupid pointless things to do that doesn't improve my mood.
Just a couple small things, but I feel better today. Though I'm seriously hungry, I'm going shopping instead with Jo. I got a Penningtons giftcard for christmas. Better go use it.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Angry and Depressed
I'm so angry right now that I'm seeing red. This has been so traumatic.
I had my road test today. I did really well .... I thought. I kept a close eye on my speed at all times, paid close attention to road signs, made sure I looked in the mirrors constantly and whenever I changed lanes or turn or anything, I shoulder checked like it was my job. But apparently it's not good enough. I failed. I fucking failed!
How did I fail? Well I went too slowly on the back streets ... the ones where I was supposed to go 50, but they were so full of deep potholes, I went 40. We were bouncing around enough is it was and even at 40, I could still feel the front and back of the car scratching against the road on almost every single pothole. Forgive me for wanting to keep my car in one piece.
And then I got dinged again, turning onto Arthur st off of Edward. Arthur had the right of way and it wasn't safe to turn. They got a yellow light and started slowing, so I turned right. The instructor told me that once I had turned, Edward st had a left turn only light. Okay, who cares ... I turned on yellow. Not according to him though. He said turning on yellow is just as bad as turning on the advance. Since fucking when!? Because of these two things: Driving slower over potholes and turning right BEFORE we had an advance green, he failed me.
Since when are you allowed to make up road rules? I knew from the moment I saw him that he wasn't a nice guy. He gave me the stink eye right away. He was impolite and honestly, held himself as if he were Jesus.
My original license had already expired and I was told that this would be my one and only attempt at getting my G license if I failed. So I waited 50 minutes in line to speak with the receptionist. I begged her to extend my license. And lucky she was nice. I booked another test. $75 off of my VISA, I'm now over my limit and I will start receiving phone calls, emails and letters very soon. On top of that, it hurts my already hurting credit score.
On the way home, I was very angry. And for anyone who hasn't seen me REALLY angry, I'll let you know what happens: I cry. For some reason, my tear ducts are attached to more feelings than I'd like and anger is one of them. I was able to hold it in until I got home. Once my dad asked how I did, I burst into tears. Of course, my mom came home about 5 minutes after. Both just watched me cry and attempted words of comfort. That was the most ridiculous thing I've ever done. This isn't the first time I'd heard of them failing people and apparently they do it a lot. But I'm a better driver than everyone else.
This was so stupid and all I want to do is cry.
I had my road test today. I did really well .... I thought. I kept a close eye on my speed at all times, paid close attention to road signs, made sure I looked in the mirrors constantly and whenever I changed lanes or turn or anything, I shoulder checked like it was my job. But apparently it's not good enough. I failed. I fucking failed!
How did I fail? Well I went too slowly on the back streets ... the ones where I was supposed to go 50, but they were so full of deep potholes, I went 40. We were bouncing around enough is it was and even at 40, I could still feel the front and back of the car scratching against the road on almost every single pothole. Forgive me for wanting to keep my car in one piece.
And then I got dinged again, turning onto Arthur st off of Edward. Arthur had the right of way and it wasn't safe to turn. They got a yellow light and started slowing, so I turned right. The instructor told me that once I had turned, Edward st had a left turn only light. Okay, who cares ... I turned on yellow. Not according to him though. He said turning on yellow is just as bad as turning on the advance. Since fucking when!? Because of these two things: Driving slower over potholes and turning right BEFORE we had an advance green, he failed me.
Since when are you allowed to make up road rules? I knew from the moment I saw him that he wasn't a nice guy. He gave me the stink eye right away. He was impolite and honestly, held himself as if he were Jesus.
My original license had already expired and I was told that this would be my one and only attempt at getting my G license if I failed. So I waited 50 minutes in line to speak with the receptionist. I begged her to extend my license. And lucky she was nice. I booked another test. $75 off of my VISA, I'm now over my limit and I will start receiving phone calls, emails and letters very soon. On top of that, it hurts my already hurting credit score.
On the way home, I was very angry. And for anyone who hasn't seen me REALLY angry, I'll let you know what happens: I cry. For some reason, my tear ducts are attached to more feelings than I'd like and anger is one of them. I was able to hold it in until I got home. Once my dad asked how I did, I burst into tears. Of course, my mom came home about 5 minutes after. Both just watched me cry and attempted words of comfort. That was the most ridiculous thing I've ever done. This isn't the first time I'd heard of them failing people and apparently they do it a lot. But I'm a better driver than everyone else.
This was so stupid and all I want to do is cry.
Friday, February 19, 2010
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
A few people have been asking for an update of the speeding ticket situation. I talked to my brother that night and he said that my best bet was to tell my folks. Though my goal was to get around this stupid fine without having them any the wiser, I knew that at the point where I was, I had little option. I told Jo the situation. It was silent fury all the way. She was mostly angry that I didn't tell her right away, but if I'd had my way, she wouldn't have known at all. But it's all cleared up now. Mom left her visa for me to pay it today. One less thing I have to worry about.
I've been walking/running/jogging quite a bit. Right now I can hardly stand because my legs hurt and I have blisters. I walked to Sears with Lindsay today to watch Lisa in the fashion show. She was by far the prettiest girl there and I promise that I'm not being biased. And on top of that, Lisa looks good in skinny jeans. Something I've never said before to anyone.
And just so the blog knows, I've yet to be accepted to university though I still check it like a mad woman.
I also have my road test coming up on Monday. Perhaps I'll finally get my G license and be able to drive in the states ... legally.
Something else that sucks. Maybe it's from all of the physical activity that's been thrust upon me, but I was so tired today. I turned my computer off at midnight, read some and then went to bed. Only problem was that I rolled around until 2am when I finally decided 'fuck it!' and got up. For some reason, sleep doesn't like me as much as I adore sleeping. Watch me finally go to bed at 5am - not my goal.
On another, unhappy note, I'm still not sure about my depression. It creeps up on me when I least expect and drags my mood right down. I have no idea what could be causing it, but I find that the later it is in the night, the more depressed I feel. I am looking forward to seeing the psychologist on March 4th for some insight to my brain. I know it's all screwed up in there. I can't ponder too deeply or think about things too much because then I start getting anxious, and the thoughts I get anxious about are sad thoughts. When I get anxious about sad thoughts, they linger in my brain. And, of course, unhappy lingering thoughts can only lead to be being depressed. How do I fix it?
I am stuck in a state of pure confusion.
I've been walking/running/jogging quite a bit. Right now I can hardly stand because my legs hurt and I have blisters. I walked to Sears with Lindsay today to watch Lisa in the fashion show. She was by far the prettiest girl there and I promise that I'm not being biased. And on top of that, Lisa looks good in skinny jeans. Something I've never said before to anyone.
And just so the blog knows, I've yet to be accepted to university though I still check it like a mad woman.
I also have my road test coming up on Monday. Perhaps I'll finally get my G license and be able to drive in the states ... legally.
Something else that sucks. Maybe it's from all of the physical activity that's been thrust upon me, but I was so tired today. I turned my computer off at midnight, read some and then went to bed. Only problem was that I rolled around until 2am when I finally decided 'fuck it!' and got up. For some reason, sleep doesn't like me as much as I adore sleeping. Watch me finally go to bed at 5am - not my goal.
On another, unhappy note, I'm still not sure about my depression. It creeps up on me when I least expect and drags my mood right down. I have no idea what could be causing it, but I find that the later it is in the night, the more depressed I feel. I am looking forward to seeing the psychologist on March 4th for some insight to my brain. I know it's all screwed up in there. I can't ponder too deeply or think about things too much because then I start getting anxious, and the thoughts I get anxious about are sad thoughts. When I get anxious about sad thoughts, they linger in my brain. And, of course, unhappy lingering thoughts can only lead to be being depressed. How do I fix it?
I am stuck in a state of pure confusion.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Do not pass go, directly to jail.
I feel fat. What a great opener that is for this entry. Well, it's true. I just ate and I can feel my stomach expanding. Spoon of stuffing, a slab of green beans and a turkey sausage. Ew. The thought of it right now is making me nauseous. I need to work out or something, but instead, I'll write.
I watched the biggest loser finale season four. It was down to Isabeau, Hollie, Julie and Bill. I was routing for Isabeau. She seemed like a really good person. She went on the scale first. She set a high bar to beat. Then Hollie jumped on the scale and beat Isabeau. Bleh! Then Julie went on and beat Hollie. At this point, my kicking leg was ready to be fired. But luckily, Bill beat out Julie and was season four's biggest loser. He was my second favourite, so I'm okay with that.
Currently watching the last season I have on my computer - season five. I've already decided that I want Dan to win. He's a young guy .... and a very large guy. He could change his life in this game.
So for anyone who's wondering about the title of the blog, I will explain. I already have some butterflies thinking about it. So a couple weeks ago, while driving on River St, I got pulled over for speeding. I was driving 50 in the 40 zone, and 60 in the 50 zone. The police officer took little pity in writing me a ticket. I've had this ticket over my head and I need to pay it in the next day or two. $110 .... I currently have $20 to my name. I didn't tell my family. That would just piss them off and I wouldn't be allowed to drive their vehicles ever again. So I've been trying to think of ways to get this money. At this point, I'm totally screwed and it's most likely that I'll have my license revoked and facing a larger fine. If this goes unpaid too long, I think they actually have the authority to bring me to court.
I did find a way to make some money. I have a friend living in Florida that is on secondlife with me. She currently attends the university of Florida. Third or fourth year business. She has told me that if I write some essays for her, she'd hand some money over. However, she has paid me through paypal and to transfer funds from paypal to my bank account, we're looking at up to a month to take place. Balls.
So I need money. I'm desperate to the point where I'm weighing the pros and cons of prostitution and drug smuggling. This seriously sucks a lot.
Anyone who can think of better ways to get money in the next two days let me know. If I end up going to jail, I want you all to know that I love you :|
I watched the biggest loser finale season four. It was down to Isabeau, Hollie, Julie and Bill. I was routing for Isabeau. She seemed like a really good person. She went on the scale first. She set a high bar to beat. Then Hollie jumped on the scale and beat Isabeau. Bleh! Then Julie went on and beat Hollie. At this point, my kicking leg was ready to be fired. But luckily, Bill beat out Julie and was season four's biggest loser. He was my second favourite, so I'm okay with that.
Currently watching the last season I have on my computer - season five. I've already decided that I want Dan to win. He's a young guy .... and a very large guy. He could change his life in this game.
So for anyone who's wondering about the title of the blog, I will explain. I already have some butterflies thinking about it. So a couple weeks ago, while driving on River St, I got pulled over for speeding. I was driving 50 in the 40 zone, and 60 in the 50 zone. The police officer took little pity in writing me a ticket. I've had this ticket over my head and I need to pay it in the next day or two. $110 .... I currently have $20 to my name. I didn't tell my family. That would just piss them off and I wouldn't be allowed to drive their vehicles ever again. So I've been trying to think of ways to get this money. At this point, I'm totally screwed and it's most likely that I'll have my license revoked and facing a larger fine. If this goes unpaid too long, I think they actually have the authority to bring me to court.
I did find a way to make some money. I have a friend living in Florida that is on secondlife with me. She currently attends the university of Florida. Third or fourth year business. She has told me that if I write some essays for her, she'd hand some money over. However, she has paid me through paypal and to transfer funds from paypal to my bank account, we're looking at up to a month to take place. Balls.
So I need money. I'm desperate to the point where I'm weighing the pros and cons of prostitution and drug smuggling. This seriously sucks a lot.
Anyone who can think of better ways to get money in the next two days let me know. If I end up going to jail, I want you all to know that I love you :|
Monday, February 15, 2010
Where's the jugular vein?
Today started a little differently. I woke up early. By early, I mean 12:30pm. That's pretty good for me these past few days.
Once awake, I started the normal routine, checking hotmail, checking facebook and checking to see if I've been accepted to University yet. Nothing new. I did find out that a few people actually read my blog. Thanks to those two who've decided to 'follow' me. I guess I feel good about that.
I continued the norm, by watching some of the biggest loser. Most of my favourite people from season 4 have been voted off. There are only a few more people I like on that show that I would actually want to win. If Julie wins, I'm going to kick something.
After the norm went down, Lisa came over and we enjoyed some Castle age, last knights and age of empires. All war type games. Does that make us violent? Afterwards, we found joy in something that was really weird and I bet a little unheard of. I was showing her this crazy bright flashlight I got for Xmas. The light was so powerful that we could put it on our skin and it would light up our insides. We went a really long time looking each other's bodies over, tracing veins. I know that sounds weird, but it was done in the least sexually lesbian way possible.
It was interesting to see the veins in our hands, heads, arms, backs, knees, legs and feet. Lisa's veins were really small and constricting, while mine were larger and more easy to see. We spent quite a time looking for each other's jugular veins. I think we found them, but I'm still not to sure. I didn't know veins could be fun.
After knowing her for *counts* 14 years, some times we don't do things that are crazy exciting. I think we both are always looking for new things to do. And by all means, this was new.
I'm fairly proud of myself for writing again in this blog. I think it could be therapeutic or something. I think I could learn more about myself and perhaps give someone the chance to learn more about me.
What do I have on the agenda for tomorrow? I'm going to try and see both Em and Edward.
And for anyone who hasn't seen biggest loser season 3 or the land before time, watch them. They're both worth a good cry. Poor Littlefoot. His mother is dead. And for some reason we keep getting reminded of that. So cruel.
Once awake, I started the normal routine, checking hotmail, checking facebook and checking to see if I've been accepted to University yet. Nothing new. I did find out that a few people actually read my blog. Thanks to those two who've decided to 'follow' me. I guess I feel good about that.
I continued the norm, by watching some of the biggest loser. Most of my favourite people from season 4 have been voted off. There are only a few more people I like on that show that I would actually want to win. If Julie wins, I'm going to kick something.
After the norm went down, Lisa came over and we enjoyed some Castle age, last knights and age of empires. All war type games. Does that make us violent? Afterwards, we found joy in something that was really weird and I bet a little unheard of. I was showing her this crazy bright flashlight I got for Xmas. The light was so powerful that we could put it on our skin and it would light up our insides. We went a really long time looking each other's bodies over, tracing veins. I know that sounds weird, but it was done in the least sexually lesbian way possible.
It was interesting to see the veins in our hands, heads, arms, backs, knees, legs and feet. Lisa's veins were really small and constricting, while mine were larger and more easy to see. We spent quite a time looking for each other's jugular veins. I think we found them, but I'm still not to sure. I didn't know veins could be fun.
After knowing her for *counts* 14 years, some times we don't do things that are crazy exciting. I think we both are always looking for new things to do. And by all means, this was new.
I'm fairly proud of myself for writing again in this blog. I think it could be therapeutic or something. I think I could learn more about myself and perhaps give someone the chance to learn more about me.
What do I have on the agenda for tomorrow? I'm going to try and see both Em and Edward.
And for anyone who hasn't seen biggest loser season 3 or the land before time, watch them. They're both worth a good cry. Poor Littlefoot. His mother is dead. And for some reason we keep getting reminded of that. So cruel.
The first entry
Yes, the first entry, and who knows! ... Maybe the last. I've made a blog once before. It was on myspace and I updated it about once every few months. I only had my myspace account for a year, so I had about 5 entries.
I love writing, but what would I write about? Who would want to read this anyway? I'll send this to some friends hoping they'll give a damn. Maybe they will.
So what do you write about when you have a blog? Feelings? Goals? What you did that day? Well I'll try and post what I can.
Today I woke up at 2:30pm. I probably woke up at about 9am originally, turned over and went back to bed, woke at 10am, rolled over to sleep some more ... and you get the point. I did this until 2:30pm. Is it sad that I'd much rather sleep than utilize my day? It only sets me up for disaster, which is most definitely why I'm awake writing this at 4:10am.
I didn't do much today to be honest. I watched several episodes of the biggest loser season 4, did a pretty shitty workout myself and then bathed. That is what I've accomplished today.
On a lighter note, I've applied for University and I'm checking my application like a fiend waiting for it to change from 'pending' to 'accepted.' I ended up applying for three programs, just in case, for some reason, by the time September rolls around, I no longer feel like becoming a psychologist in the future. I applied for my bachelor of arts psych major, bachelor of music, and bachelor of social work. I really need to start doing something with my pitiful life soon.
Only recently did I relapse into a deep depression. It's still something that's clouding my mind. It was the most scared I've ever felt in my life. It's hard to explain. It was like I was seeing the world through eyes that weren't mine. I would be in familiar places that would seem foreign, I would sometimes feel as though I weren't in control of my body or my mind and I had a lot of dark thoughts about life, existance, death and all of those fun things. I just want to see a doctor soon so he can give me a bunch of pills and I can be on my merry way. Perhaps this time I'll stay on the pills.
Well ... I've written quite a bit and truthfully, I have no idea who I'm writing to or if I'm just writing to Mr Computer Screen and Mrs Cyberspace. So I suppose I'll stop now. I'm going to really try and get my thought out in this thing, so if someone is reading and is finding what I have to say somewhat enjoyable, I invite you to check back to see if I write anything new.
I love writing, but what would I write about? Who would want to read this anyway? I'll send this to some friends hoping they'll give a damn. Maybe they will.
So what do you write about when you have a blog? Feelings? Goals? What you did that day? Well I'll try and post what I can.
Today I woke up at 2:30pm. I probably woke up at about 9am originally, turned over and went back to bed, woke at 10am, rolled over to sleep some more ... and you get the point. I did this until 2:30pm. Is it sad that I'd much rather sleep than utilize my day? It only sets me up for disaster, which is most definitely why I'm awake writing this at 4:10am.
I didn't do much today to be honest. I watched several episodes of the biggest loser season 4, did a pretty shitty workout myself and then bathed. That is what I've accomplished today.
On a lighter note, I've applied for University and I'm checking my application like a fiend waiting for it to change from 'pending' to 'accepted.' I ended up applying for three programs, just in case, for some reason, by the time September rolls around, I no longer feel like becoming a psychologist in the future. I applied for my bachelor of arts psych major, bachelor of music, and bachelor of social work. I really need to start doing something with my pitiful life soon.
Only recently did I relapse into a deep depression. It's still something that's clouding my mind. It was the most scared I've ever felt in my life. It's hard to explain. It was like I was seeing the world through eyes that weren't mine. I would be in familiar places that would seem foreign, I would sometimes feel as though I weren't in control of my body or my mind and I had a lot of dark thoughts about life, existance, death and all of those fun things. I just want to see a doctor soon so he can give me a bunch of pills and I can be on my merry way. Perhaps this time I'll stay on the pills.
Well ... I've written quite a bit and truthfully, I have no idea who I'm writing to or if I'm just writing to Mr Computer Screen and Mrs Cyberspace. So I suppose I'll stop now. I'm going to really try and get my thought out in this thing, so if someone is reading and is finding what I have to say somewhat enjoyable, I invite you to check back to see if I write anything new.
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