Not fair!

I'm pissed off. My mother asked me to do the dishes. I have no problem with cleaning toilets. No problem touching most garbage. No problem breaking a sweat to better the household. I do have a problem with dishes, however.

Ever since I was a child. I remember what happened the first time my mom asked me to do the dishes. I threw up in the dishwater. I was grounded for a week. Yeah, that makes sense. Second time, I threw up on the floor. Don't remember what happened that time. And then for years and years, my mom would continue to ask me to do the dishes and I would just say no and we'd end up in fights.

Since I've been back, she's asked me a few times to do the dishes. Either we've fought about it or I've managed to do it under certain circumstances.

But really, of all the things she needs help with around the house, why does she keep asking me to do the one and only thing I don't like? Does she like to see me in pain?

I have some sort of "fear" of dishes. When I'm around dirty dishes, my gag-reflexes go into overdrive. I can't help it! If I coud push a button and turn them off, I would, but that's just not possible. I can sometimes do dishes as long as there's fresh air, the dishes are somewhat clean already and they cannot be in the sink. They must be spread out so as not to touch each other. I also cannot run a sink full of water. I have to wash every dish individually. This is the way I work. If she won't meet my requests, then we'll just have to fight some more.

Today, I did more than half of the dishes. I tried to go for as long as I could - to the point where I was nausious and dizzy. But eventually, I could no longer do it. I told her I couldn't continue. Instead of thanking me for the half I did do, she got really mad at me. She was screaming her head off. And now I just feel guilty. Seriously. I did what I could. That should be good for something! I don't care if I didn't do the whole sink full. I did what I could. And I did it for her so she wouldn't have to. Thumbs down to Joanne.

And the other post!

It was a few moments after my rambling on the first blog entry that I realized that I am also taking piano lessons and forgot to mention them. It's kind of sad since it's what I'm doing best at right now. My piano teacher is a really awesome and talented guy and obviously he sees some talent in me as well. I played two songs by heart for my midterm and received 98%.

But there are the issues I've promised to elaborate on. First is my moving. I lived on my own for a year. Although Marie and I didn't always see eye to eye, I enjoyed living with her for the most part. It did bug me that she wasn't active, however. She is one of the smartest people I know and she doesn't have a job. And she doesn't go to school either. And she doesn't even volunteer. I wake up early to go to class or I wake up early to go to work. And she sleeps. On many occasions, I had gone to school or work and come back to find her still in bed. It irritated me.

Of course, I know she has struggled with her anxiety, but I can't accept that excuse as she's done nothing to try and get around it. I suffer from anxiety, too. My anxiety is really bad, too. I go on with life though. If I need to take a few minutes out to compose myself, so be it. When I cou;dn't stand sitting in my math class in grade 11, did I drop it? No. I asked the teacher if I could do my work elsewhere. I worked with my anxiety! And Sylvie has some of the worst anxiety I've ever seen. She's been able to hold down jobs and go to school. Kudos to her. But Marie won't do it. Eventually, it really bugged me that she didn't.

On top of that, I couldn't afford to live at the loft anymore. Music is fucking expensive! On top of tuition which is about 6k, there are all of these extras that need to be paid for. Symphony tickets, Metro-opera shows, LUMA concerts, piano books, vocal books, music and also, paying for an accompanist for all of my practices. Joy is great, but she's sucking me dry.

On top of moving out, I am also on a journey to quit smoking for real. My progress is retarded. I'll make an entire day and feel fine, then the next, I'm ravage. Or I'll smoke a lot during one day, then the next, I will hardly have a craving. It is making quitting difficult. I also try and reason with myself that would allow me to smoke. The way I see it, I have two voices arguing in my head. The smoking voice, let's call him Lucas. And then we have the non-smoking voice. Let's call him Bob.

Lucas is tall, handsome and quite articulate. He has on a nice flashy suit and his teeth are perfect and white. When he talks, I get excited over his deep masculine voice. Bob is short and squat with his belly hanging out of his wife-beater. He hasn't bathed in a few days and when he opens his mouth, a whiny higher pitched voice comes out. When Lucas and Bob battle it out, Lucas always has the upper hand. He's like a lawyer. He's skilled in manipulation, his rebuttal is always prepared. Furthermore, I want him to win. Then there's Bob. Whatever shit he's spewing, nobody, not even myself, wants to hearit. His voice is such a turn-off.

Lucas has convinced me: Smoking takes ten years off your life, but that's the end of your life which isn't fun anyways. He also tells me that I have my whole life to quit smoking. He also tells me that many of the world's greatest singers are smokers. Right. Bob tells me that I need to wheeze a little less. Bob also tells me that if I think quitting is hard now, it'll be harder when I cross the 5 year line, and the 10 year line.

One thing that I know is nice, though; It's nice to show up to my vocal lesson or choir without worrying that I smell like smoke.

Damnit

I started a new blog because I forgot my username and password for this one. And then I was trying to log into my new account, and it logged me into this one. What the hell? I'll post my two posts from the other blog here:

Blog: Take two

I've had a blog before. What happened to it? Didn't log in for at least a year and I forgot my username and password. That's really neither here nor there. It doesn't matter what my old blog was because it's nice to start anew every now and again.

Why would I have a blog in the first place? Well although I didn't really think they were of value before, I now realise that writing out thoughts is very theraputic whether only I read it or if anyone else reads them.

So what do I do? I am a university student. My last blog explored my enrollment to university. I applied for the four year bachelor of arts last year, a major in psychology. Well what a bust that was. I stopped going to my psych lessons before Christmas and ended up failing. Of course I knew it was a science, but I thought as I applied through the arts that perhaps I would get introduced to science a little more slowly. Let's face it, I have a grade ten science level and it's just never come easily for me.

I came to understand just after Christmas that psych wasn't where my heart was. I was failing my major and I was doing really well in music. It seemed so simple that I endured the long switch over to music. I had to reapply to the university. I was scared as I had a fail on my transcript, if that would damage my reacceptance, but it worked out in the end.

After meeting with Kim, a vocal teacher, for a month, I passed my audition. I didn't get along with Kim so well. I felt bad because I ended up getting little feedback from her. Mostly she just lectured me on smoking. Of course, I shouldn't smoke, but as I'm paying you $60 an hour to help me pass my audition, shut up and coach me! Anyway, my audition is long passed. Cathi helped me out on piano. She is just awesome.

So over the summer, I worked for some reason. I don't even know why I started applying for jobs. I got one, too. Fricking out of town. My parents were nice enough to let me borrow the car for the entire summer. I appreciate it. I know it put strain on my brother having to get to work in other ways. Work at Pioneer Village started off great. Then it got annoying with all of the kids for the school tours. Then it got boring fast. Then I got drama. I hate drama, but let's face it, I kinda walked right into it. Note to self: Don't talk about others' work habits - It's not my business.

What I loved about the village was being able to express myself creatively. We got to choose our own characters. Mine was Lilith Black, the "Black" widow. The over friendly, sweet village woman who wore funeral gowns just as much as she wore wedding gowns. It was also fun setting up for murder mysteries. Dragging my ketchup-soaked supervisor across the floor of the village square? SCORE! The manager was also a really awesome guy.

But I was excited to return to school to start my life in music. Anyone who thinks music is a bird course should seriously reconsider. I started off with a full six credits. But problems arose. The musicianship teacher recommended that anyone who was taking rudiments should drop his class because it dealt with theory. Great. That was me. Bye bye, musicianship. Then there was music history. With the courseload I was already battling with, it was nuts to stay in that class. I am also considering dropping philosohpy at this very moment. The workload in there is ridiculous. For a fourth year philosophy course, I would expect almost that much reading, but not for an intro course.

But let's think about the courses I am still enrolled in. Rudiments. It's not going too bad. There's quite a bit of work to do, but I find myself almost enjoying it in a way. I've always liked math. And music deals with math a lot. Music + Math = Enjoying myself. I just received a 72% on the midterm. Not too bad. I would have done better if Penny wasn't so sneaky. She takes marks off for the smallest things that she doesn't even remind you that you need to be aware of.

Vocal Ensemble started off very well. And by very well, I mean I enjoyed the first day. But to understand what happened on the second day, I first must explain my vocal lessons. I was hoping to get taught my Mary. She's supposed to be the best vocal teacher in Thunder Bay, but something went weird and I got stuck with Kim. I hoped so much that we would get along. My goal was to not give her a reason to be mad or upset with me. I made sure I didn't smoke before I went into my lesson. I told her I gave it up. She bought it. We were getting along famously until she said the S word.

Female vocalists are separated into three voice types. Contralto, the lowest. I always love the sound contraltos make. It's a dark, mature sound. I know plainly well that I'm not a contralto, sadly. What I think I am and what I was hoping for was Mezzo-Soprano. Mezzos sing medium tones with a similar sound to contraltos. It's a dark, mature sound, just not quite as dark as the contralto. This is where music is easiest for me. It's not too low or too high. Then there is the dreaded S word. Soprano. Sopranos sing the high stuff. They have lighter sounds.

I am not a soprano. I have a dark sound! Just because I can sing a couple high notes doesn't mean that I automatically have to sing that! Anyway, she's been training me for a couple months now singing soprano songs. She had also told me that I needed to switch from alto to soprano in vocal ensemble. That first day, I sat with all of my friends in alto. The second day, I sat with the unfamiliar sopranos. I'm not even a soprano 2, the lower soprano. I'm the soprano 1. And on top of that, Erik rearranged his entire Finnish choir to have me on soprano 1.

I am a soprano vocalist. Where one I was an alto 1 in VE, I am now a soprano 1. Where once I was an alto 2 in Finnish choir, I am now a soprano 1. I've always been a soprano in church choir. All of my old favourite things to do are now tainted with ugly soprano. Is that fair? Also, in VE, I have quickly learned that the other sopranos are sheeple (sheep + people) who hang on every note I sing. When I sing something correctly, they all sing it correctly, but when I sing something wrong, they all sing it wrong with me. This puts a lot of pressure on me. If my music isn't learned really well, the section fails.

I can really rant about soprano. This may be my first blog post complaining about it, it won't be the last. There are many changes going on right now. Next blog will be about my move back into my parents house and the journey to actually quit smoking.

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

Almost a year has passed since my last entry -- Oops!! To be honest, I completely forgot that I had a blog.

How do you continue a blog that you haven't updated in a year? Well, I suppose I must touch base with my younger self to see what kind of place I was in then. On my last couple entries, it seemed that school was the highlight of my life. What can I say about school now that I'm nearly finished my first year?

English? Dropped it. Anthro? Dropped it. Astro? Dropped it. Social Work? Dropped it. I know, right? Talk about picking up the wrong courses.

English made me feel like I was back in third grade. We were learning what verbs were. I think I've known what verbs are for the past fifteen years. Anthro was worse. "You have two days to read these 100 long boring pages!" Believe me. I read them ... only to find out that our next lesson had absolutely nothing to do with anything I read. Yeah. Not cool. Astro was interesting, but was beyond me. I was not following much. It was basically a physics class. We were learning where stars were placed in the galaxy and that was it. I gave it a chance, at least. Social work was also boring, the desks were uncomfortable, and since it was also a second year course, so my comprehension was far below others'.

Psychology, philosophy, and opera were the only courses I originally signed up for and ended up staying in. However, I stopped going to my psych classes in February. I'm not going to blame my horrible grade on anyone except myself. The teacher was great, I just couldn't cram that much into my head. Also, psych was WAY too science based. Of course, I knew I would be dealing with a good amount of science, but there was nothing artsy about this course at all. All we really learned was what part of the brain controlled which functions -- mostly motor functions. Sorry. Didn't know that we needed to learn about motor functions. Philosophy was great. I attended most classes without difficulty, the teacher was great and I ended with a modest 68%.

Opera Studio. Where to start? It was early. It killed me to wake up and walk to PACI. It was uphill, okay? We were due to learn Gilbert & Sullivan's Trial by Jury. Auditions scared me. I was sick and my audition song had a high A in it. I must have done alright though because I got the lead. Well, I shared the lead. The class was so small that the roles were double-cast. Everyone had a character and a chorus part. I was so excited about being the judge. I learned my shit well! But after Christmas, it seemed that not many others were as serious about their parts, and it was canceled. Seriously. Instead, the show would consist of solos, duets and trios. We were to pick songs we wanted to sing and then submit them to Kim or Dean. Well this sucked for me. The others, who were all music majors had so much to choose from, but I had never owned any sort of songbook. Instead, I e-mailed Kim and asked if she could just choose something for me and I'd learn it. She said she would, but she didn't. I couldn't get any help from Dean because he was going through a midlife crisis. I went from being the lead in the opera to a sad little girl who didn't have anything to sing in the class. Oh sorry. We still sang a couple chorus songs that I was able to sing in. I felt useless though. I wasn't needed any longer. I just kind of ... existed. I could write forever on the injustice I felt, but it would take all day. Moving on ...

Even though I dropped many classes, I also picked some up. I tried women's studies. That was the most boring thing I've ever done. After two classes, I knew I wasn't returning. I have the video to prove my boredom. I picked up religion, a web-based course. It felt weird at first, being in a class I didn't have to attend, but I soon fell in love with it. This is the only course I have yet to finish. The first exam, though I hadn't studied or done most of the readings, I received 70% on. It was open book. If I couldn't handle that, then I deserved to fail. The first essay, completed in only a few hours, I got 69%. I had no sources. I didn't even know what I was talking about. I was more prepared for my second essay. I wrote it in two days. I didn't do any of the readings, nor did I look at the textbook. I got 100%!!!! Yeah, baby!

The last course I picked up was vocal ensemble. I really have nothing bad to say about it. It may have been quite annoying only singing one song since January, and I may have lost my liking for Beethoven's 9th symphony, but I'll get over it. I do have a lot of nice things to say. Being in the music building was nice for me. It felt like home.

With low marks in my major, and great marks in music, by February, it became quite clear what was going to happen. I started the process to switch my program. It was hell. I couldn't just fill out a form like most major changes, no. I had to reapply to university and go through all that crap again. Lucky, I'm finished doing it now. The only thing I have left to do is pass my audition and in September, I will be a music student.

Another big change is that I have moved out. I now live with Marie in a nice loft-like apartment. Yeah it's downtown and can be noisy. Sometimes I may go to bed exhausted and have to wake up early in the morning, only to find that Jacks is jumping and thumping, but earplugs come in handy! It also sucks that I don't have easy access to the car. However, being on my own has been good, even if we have parties here every other week.

Lastly, just going to mention this. Life has been going well for too long now, the downfall is coming. I just found out that my dad has been looking for an apartment. I don't know any more details of this just yet. Whatever is happening doesn't sound good though.

Boo-urns!

So I was told today by the music secretary person dealy that I couldn't take voice. Dean is limiting all who can take voice to strictly music majors. Well that sucks. It's still a small possibility as there are a few people in the department who don't agree with it. I figured I might as well sign up for a class as a back-up. I also got into the English class I wanted! Huzzah! So like stated before, my fall is going to be very tough, but my winter will be a breeze! My new timetable (only subject to the vocal class I want into, in which case I'll drop Astro):

Fall:

Monday
English 1-2:30
Anthropology 5:30-7
Astronomy 7-10

Wednesday
Social Work 11:30-1
English 1-2:30
Philosophy 2:30-4
Antropology 5:30-7
Psychology 7-10

Friday
Opera Studio 9-11
Social Work 11:30-1
Philosophy 2:30-4

Winter

Wednesday
Social Work 11:30-1
Psychology 7-10

Friday
Opera Studio 9-11
Social Work 11:30-1

Gone.

So my mom flipped out yesterday. I know she flipped because she didn't hide it in front of my friends like she does when she usually gets mad. She quite literally picked fights with everyone yesterday, whether or not she had beef with them. She first got mad at my brother because he had to borrow some money to put gas in the car.

My brother went to college, the media and broadcasting course and was very lucky to get a job as soon as he graduated, with Dougall Media. The only problem is that he only works about 15-20 hours a week. There's not a lot of room for full-time employment with them and they're really the only place to hire him for what he went to school for. My mom was pissed that he needed to borrow money. He always pays it back, so why not help out?

It's unfortunate.

Then my mom got mad at me. I was supposed to have my room cleaned before I left the house and it had to be Jo-Approved. I got turned down once and had to do it again. Lisa and Sylvie came to spring me from my cell. The room was spotless in 30 mins. I appreciated the help even if I didn't ask for help. My friends just simply care, right? Wrong! Jo was mad at me for inviting them over to clean for me. She just got angrier when I tried telling her that I didn't ask them to come over to clean. If I'd asked them to come over, I would've worn clothes when they got here. I fought with my mom because I had to drive Jason to work. She said I wasn't allowed to leave even if I had my room cleaned because I didn't do it.

Retarded.

And last night, Jo was picking fights with Jim. No idea what about. I just heard yelling.

Sad.

My mom wakes me up at 10:30am and tells me that once the AC guy leaves, she wants to talk to all three of us. So now I think the AC guy is gone. I'm waiting for her to request our presense upstairs. Let's see what she wants ... Whatever it is, it can't be good. I'm going to stop writing for now and continue writing when I come back downstairs.

______________________________

My mom packed her bags and left. My brother was crying. I was crying. She told us she's finding her own place to live. So much for unconditional love.

Untitled Post

July 5th came and I registered for my classes! I have somehow avoided going to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays ... and maybe even Mondays in the winter. Basically, less days, but longer days. I'd much rather have longer days to be honest. Then again, this is subject to one small change. All the english classes that I can take while avoiding conflict are full. I'm currently on the waitlist for 3 of them. I added all three of the english classes to the schedule. Composition will be my first choice if I can get it. What does my schooling look like?

Fall:

Monday
(English*Composition 1-2:30)
Anthropology 5:30-7

Wednesday
Social Work 11:30-1
(English*Composition 1-2:30)
Philosophy 2:30-4
Antropology 5:30-7
Psychology 7-10

Friday
Opera Studio 9-11
Social Work 11:30-1
Philosophy 2:30-4

Winter

Monday
(English*Rhetoric WB 4-5:30)
(English*Rhetoric WA 5:30-7)

Wednesday
Social Work 11:30-1
(English*Rhetoric WB 4-5:30)
(English*Rhetoric WA 5:30-7)
Psychology 7-10

Friday
Opera Studio 9-11
Social Work 11:30-1