Reasons

Why am I not posting more often? I'll tell you. Because I'm not doing anything. Unless you count Secondlife. If you count that, then I'm doing a lot. But I don't count it at all. So I'm doing simply nothing.

There's nothing in my immediate future to look forward to. Nor is there anything exciting in my immediate past that has been worthy of writing about. I don't feel depressed, nor do I feel too happy. I am sort of content.

Even now, it's hard to think of words to write because ... what do I write about? I am drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette. I can't go anywhere too far from my house. Mom took the van out. Brother took the car out. Hell, even my dad took the motorcylce out.

So that's what I'm going to write for now. And hopefully my next entry will be a lot sooner and will be filled with a lot of excitement!

We All Live in a Yellow Submarine

I took my road test today. I called it: Road Test take 2. So I'm sitting there waiting. Then the same asshole who failed me comes up to me and says that he'll meet me out back. I was so depressed. So ten minutes later, he comes out back and does the safety check. He gets in the car, gives me the stink eye and verifies my address ... which was completely wrong. Wrong address, wrong test, wrong name. He grabbed someone else's papers. So he leaves. Ten minutes tick by and there's another knock on my window. But it's not the asshole who failed me! It's some elderly man telling me he's going to do my test instead. Apparently Mr Asshole had another test for someone so he passed me off. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! Needless to say, this old, kind caring man passed me. I like him so much better. So now I technically have my full license. I just need to go renew it and give them more money. HELL YES!

I'm feeling good. I'm all smiles. I'm happy to the point where I'm waiting for my world to crash. I also have cigarettes! And I went to Grand Marais two days ago and ate Sven and Ole's pizza. And Ray, Lisa and Sylvie were with me. And we sang music, and did fun things!

Oh yeah. And I gave Lakehead the deposit for school in the fall. So I'm down for school! Huzzah! And I want to move out. And I think this all might actually work out. Oh yeah, my phone's getting cut off for non-payment. I don't even care, I'm too happy XD

*waits*

Gah! Waiting for mail sucks balls! I wanna register to lakehead already! I wanna sign up for classes and start getting really excited. Why hasn't the mail come for me!?

Anyway. I helped Sylvie move today. She didn't have a lot of stuff and it only took two van fulls to get it all to her aunt's place, however, I was the 'muscles' of the group and therefore did most of the heavy lifting by myself. My arms grew at least seven times their previous size. That's big. Yeah, my arms hurt. I can't wait until I wake up tomorrow.

Tomorrow I need to clean the bathroom. Booooo! Tomorrow I also need to watch New Moon. Actually .... scratch that. I literally just put it on. Perhaps I'll watch it tonight. Okay, I just turned it off. I can't write listening to stuff.

So the psychologist thing! I have severe clinical depression. Meaning that I'm not constantly depressed, but I go through episodes that are very bad. And I have severe anxiety. Basically, I worry, dwell and try to avoid things as much as I can. As for those terrible thoughts I was having, he gave me a technical term for it. It's called Existential nihilism. Definition = Existential nihilism is the belief that life has no intrinsic meaning or value. It can stem from scientific analysis showing that only the physical laws contributed to our existence. With respect to the universe, a single human or even the entire human species is insignificant, without purpose and is not likely to change in the totality of existence. Quite simply, nihilists in this respect believe that the only purpose in life is to live it.I am supposed to get some individual councelling soon. I'm looking forward to that. On the topic for pills, my councillor and I will decide what's best for me and what I want to do.

Though with all of the help that I'm now getting it, I'm not feeling so bad anymore. Actually, not bad at all. I have been smiling and getting out more and not been dwelling on the meaning of life.
maybe it's because music is nice. Let me explain that because it sounds funny. I'm recently added two new songs to my playlist. I call them 'happy' songs. I don't even know if the lyrics are happy ... I think one of the songs would be quite depressing if not for the kickass banjo in it. Anyway, I want to share my happy songs with whomever could be reading this.

Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man
Owlcity - Fireflies

Huzzah!

So the big news which the blog hasn't heard yet. I've been accepted to Lakehead University! I've been admitted to all of the programs I applied to! YAY! So in September, I will be joining the learned people! I am getting bachelor of arts, majoring in psychology. That is so exciting. It's a positive thought, even when I feel a little depressed.

My parents are finally supportive. I think they were doubting my acceptance ...

On top of that, I'm feeling better. No more fever, sneezing, congestion and gross stuff. I have have a bit of a cough now, and still some small difficulties with breathing.

I also say the psychologist the other day. Even though it was the beginning of my sickness, I didn't think blowing him off a second time would be good for either of us. I talked to him. He's nice, and apparently a teacher at Lakehead. He asked me all the usual questions, and I went through my life with him. I then filled out some questionaires. Like seriously, they sucked. There were hundreds of questions and before I got halfway through, they started repeating questions, just midly paraphrasing them. Annoying. They could cut that down by a good couple hundred questions if they didn't repeat like mad.

I'm to return to him tomorrow to go over the results of the questionaire. Let's see how that goes. I have a feeling pills are in my immediate future. But one thing he said that comforted me; I asked if there were people able to live comfortably with the same things that I was experiencing, depression, anxiety, disasociation. He said there were people living with it who were comfortable, successful and happy. This gives me a little glimmer of hope that perhaps my mental and emotional problems could meet their end!

Angry face >:|

I'm sick. Do I have a little cough and cold? No. Do a have a bout of the flu? No. I am pretty damn sure I have pneumonia again ...

Why is it that I NEVER get sick and then when I do, my body has to go all out since it missed all of the other sicknesses that have gone around since last I was sick? I woke up at least 25 times last night coughing up my my lung. My head hurts because of the coughing pressure and I'm tired and all painy.

This sucks. I've already gone through a bag and a half of Ricola's throat drops since yesterday at 11am. It's only quarter to 8 now. So I've been sick for less than 24 hours and I have a feeling I'm going to be spending lots on Ricola's :(

Posting after hiatus

So I have posted for a little while, but some new things have entered my life, but before I go on about that, I'd like to thank Steph and Lisa for commenting on my blogs. It's really nice to read the responses.

Okay, so since my brother got a playstation 3, he gave me his playstation 2 which I have been playing more than I care to admit. I tried playing Grand Theft Auto, but I keep dying. Like seriously! It's the first mission of the game and I can't do it without dying. But the guys in the car have guns and I only have a bike. And they shoot me. I can't even get off the bike because then my mission gets put on hold. Annoying.

And, of course, can't have the playstation hooked up without playing some guitar hero. I have to come realize that I must have built up some skill last time I played it, because I'm not as good anymore. Mind, I haven't played it in about a year, but still.

Lastly, and this is the part I'm truly ashamed of. I've been playing Final Fantasy X ..... again. This is, what? The 10th time? And I'm not just going through the game either, I'm playing a lot of blitzball, a sidegame. I'm prolonging the experience.

Okay, but enough talk about videogames ... I'm getting all excited. Last night I finished an eight page essay about Death in three pieces of Poe's literature. comparing how the different circumstances trigger emotional responses by the reader.

It wasn't my essay. I was desperately thinking how I could try to make some money, so when Jayden asked me to write her essay for her, I was only too willing. She attends the university of Florida, third year business student. I knew I could pull it off. When the teacher marked her (my) rough copy, she had little negative comments. She thought the writing skill was advanced, as well as thought process. YAY! I am so smart! S.M.R.T.! So now I have $100US being transferred from my paypal to my back account. Well it's something, right?

I believe I'm going to play videogames now. *sigh*